Here's looking at you, kid

When my son was about 3 years old, he developed an interest in baseball and began trying to hit an old beach ball we kept in the garage with an oversized plastic bat. Nothing would do but that I maintain a position just out of range, cheering on his efforts to the tune of "Watch this, Mom" or "Now I'm going to really smack it!"

Throughout it all, he needed me to be there, watching him take those mighty swings, seeing him and mirroring his developing selfhood. I was an important witness to who he was becoming and all those possibilities that were just now emerging in his own mind about himself.

Our need to be "seen" by important others continues as we grow up. There is an intensity of "seeing" that happens during the beginning phase of relationships. We become visible to one another in new and profound ways, sharing intimate details about ourselves and our experiences in the hope of even greater connection.

Our partner's eyes are deeply focused on us: We feel special and loved in a way that we never have before. This is the beginning of love. It is about being noticed by the other in a way that validates our uniqueness and importance. Self-criticism lessens in front of our adoring partner. We are transformed into the image that we see reflected back to us and it feels wonderful!

There is a reason the experts refer to this as the infatuation phase, because it doesn't last. At some later point, the realities of our strengths and weaknesses return, also reflected in the eyes of our partners. In fact, some complain of feeling invisible in their relationships, taken for granted or unappreciated.

It is a human response to habituate to experience, especially intense ones. We cannot sustain the physiological level of arousal that results; it wears us out. Luckily, there are less energetic ways of demonstrating continued interest in our partners.

Spring is a time of renewal. The wildflowers are budding everywhere, there is a feeling that the Dodgers have a chance this year, and love is supposed to be in the air more now than at any other time. So what better time than now to renew that tired, old relationship?

Millions of words have already been written about this, so I am only going to add two more: "Pay attention." In a hilarious, one-man show called "Defending the Caveman," a husband describes the effort required for men and women to live together in harmony. He lays out scene after scene of unsuccessful attempts at communication where one partner, in exasperation, finally exclaims, "Look at me!" as he or she tries to make a point.

Often the other is sitting mesmerized in front of the television screen or buried under a book or newspaper. Actually, many partners have that vacant look as soon as the other begins to speak; they don't even need a "prop."

A friend of mine believes we are all just too busy with multitasking to pay much attention. This can't be true because "Caveman" also makes the point that only women can actually multitask. Men are biologically programmed to be focused on only one thing at a time in order to hunt. (It is my belief that as hunting became less of a need, sex took over- but that is for another column and I need to research it first.)

Paying more attention is possible for everyone, male and female. It is a vital part of relational renewal and communicates a depth of feeling that is hard to duplicate elsewhere.

What do I mean by "pay attention"? One aspect is to stop what we are doing and focus all of our attention on the other when we speak to them (not hard) and to stop what we are doing and focus all of our attention on them when they speak to us (really hard). This alone requires many hours of practice in order to get it right.

Another aspect is to actually be the one to notice when your wife has some lettuce in her teeth at a restaurant and gently inform her before some well-meaning friend does. This will cause her to feel "seen" by you and greatly cared about. Of course it is less risky to notice her when she is at her best, such as wearing a new outfit, and compliment her on it.

For wives, noticing in general is usually not a problem; it's the "positive" noticing that should be emphasized here. Critical noticing is not conducive to renewal in relationships.

The more time we spend looking at loved ones, the more beautiful they become to us. Gaze is such an important part of communication, especially in communication of how much we love someone. Paying attention to our partners is an economical way to renew that love, especially in these precarious financial times. Let's not be stingy with it.

Deborah Barber, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Oak Park, phone (818) 5127923. Send questions/comments to askDrDB @yahoo.com or go to www.DrDeborahBarber.com.