Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was destined to spend last week dealing with two of the most feared government agencies on the face of the earth: the Ventura County Superior Court and the United States Postal Service.

I was upset that I had to go through this, but I was pumped because I knew that this week's column would pretty much write itself. How could I lose? I was primed to write a scathing, hilarious and revealing article about the ineptitude, stupidity and inefficiency of these agencies. All I had to do was sit back and observe these dolts in action.

But, as so often happens in life, I was to be bitterly disappointed.

My first appointment was to the Ventura County Superior Court in Simi Valley. It seems that my son received a well-deserved citation for excessive speed on the highway. Without going into details, I can assure you that I was glad, disappointed and surprised when he showed me the ticket. As a citizen, I was glad that he was caught before he hurt anyone. As a parent, I was disappointed-that is, until I remembered the things that I did at that age. As an engineer, I was surprised his car could go that fast.

We showed up at the court house expecting the usual bureaucratic stupidity and delays. We asked for a court date and were given one that same day. I asked several questions of the clerk, and they were all answered pleasantly and in detail. It was at this point that I started to think that I might have to actually work a little on this week's column.

We appeared at the appointed time, and my son received the sentence imposed by the judge. We then ventured over to the inevitable long line to pay the fine. But, there was no line. I approached the clerk and she asked what form of payment I wanted to make. I replied that it made no difference to me. I was prepared to pay with cash, check, credit card or my son's right hand or his head. The clerk assured me that heads were no longer accepted as payment, so I decided to choose a more acceptable form of payment and we were done.

Next on the list was Moorpark Post Office. We needed passports for the kids. My daughter is going to Europe this summer, and I thought it would be a good idea if my son got a passport, also. Even though the court thing didn't turn out as I expected, I thought that I could still get out of work by watching the postal workers in action. After all, we all know about the United States Postal Service, don't we?

Most of you know that the day after Thanksgiving is the traditional shopping day. Apparently it's also the traditional "Get your passport" day. The place was packed. I was upset that we would have to wait, but on the other hand, here I am with a column to write and I'm in a post office overwhelmed with passport seekers. It was going to be too easy.

But, again, I was foiled. All of the folks in line were attended to in good time by a clerk with a sense of humor and knowledge of the job. If the big guy at USPS is reading this, her name is Lisa.

I don't mind admitting that I'm scared. If the government can function this efficiently, then what's to become of the humor columnist seeking the easy way out?

Oh, by the way, since I have once again embarrassed my son, please don't make him feel worse. If you happen to run into him, I would appreciate it if you would just say something like, "Hi ya Lefty! How's it goin'?" and let it go at that.