By Brent E. McCoy

I was watching television the other night and I heard someone complain that critics, columnists and the like only point out the things that are wrong without ever offering a solution or a plan.

I can’t allow this to go unanswered. I have a great many solutions and a few pretty good plans, too. However, I’m a realist, and I’m fully aware that I would certainly not be suited for a job as king or, for that matter, any occupation that would require the carrying of a firearm while observing the general public. But still, let’s pretend.

Here are some of things I might change or rules that I might enact if I were granted unlimited power.

One of the first rules would be: If the freeways aren’t widened and more on- and off-ramps built, there will be no new homes.

People who can throw, catch, kick or hit a ball get paid a little money. Teachers, law-enforcement officers and firefighters get paid lots of money.

You don’t get to win unless you get the most votes.

If you didn’t vote, shut up!

You can’t contemplate changing the U. S. Constitution to facilitate the election of one guy who got through the first month in office without screwing anything up. Those considering such a measure will be barred from voting for life. I realize that there may be some who may feel that this punishment does not fit the crime, but I’m saving beheading in case I need it later. In addition, anyone who feels compelled to tell someone else what the Constitution means will be required to read said Constitution first.

If the NFL can’t find more than three teams with a winning record, the remainder will be drawn from the AFL.

Any sports owner who wants to pretend that his team actually exists in two different cities will be allowed to do so, provided, of course, that said owner pays full taxes in both cities.

The BCS will be disbanded until people realize that, while computers can do a lot of things, they can’t quantify desire, dedication, heart and teamwork. Actually, even if we figure this out, I think that I’ll still bar the BCS from existence.

Parents will be required to write down any comments to the coach during the game and place them in a suggestion box.

School board members will be required to attend one class a day. A passing grade must be achieved by all members or the curriculum will remain in place, unchanged for one consecutive year. In addition, all meaningful work will cease while the said members prepare for their standardized testing. Those members scoring in the upper percentile will be allowed to continue while those members scoring in the lower percentile will be publicly mocked.

When entering a restaurant, cells phones shall either be turned off or boiled with dinner.

Huge, gas-guzzling, big-tired, raised-up pickup trucks may only be purchased by those who have gone farther than the Vons parking lot for their "off roading" adventures.

If your vehicle is so big that you can’t fit it between the white lines, you must turn it in for a smaller vehicle more suitable to your abilities.

You might think these ideas are a little silly, but have you seen some of the laws that California really did put on the books this year?